Mallory: I do. 'Til you and I die, and die, and die again. 'Til death do us part.

Mickey: Turn left? Turn left to what you stupid bitch?
Mallory: You stupid bitch? You stupid bitch? You stupid bitch? Mickey, that's what my father used to call me! I thought you'd be a little more creative than that!

Mickey: We'll be living in all the oceans now.

Mallory: How sexy am I now, huh? Flirty boy! How sexy am I now?

Dr. Emil Reingold: Mickey and Mallory know the difference between right and wrong; they just don't give a damn.


Mallory: That the worst fuckin' head I ever got in my life! Next time don't be so fuckin' eager!

Ed Wilson: I'll show her a little tenderness, after I eat. When I get up there, she won't see my face for an hour.

Mickey: Well, let's give that key lime pie a day in court, and a big old glass of non-fat milk, if you please.

Mickey: The whole world's comin' to an end, Mal!
Mallory: I see angels, Mickey. They're comin' down for us from heaven. And I see you ridin' a big red horse, and you're driving them horses, whippin' 'em, and the're spitting and frothing all 'long the mouth, and the're coming right at us. And I see the future, and there's no death, 'cause you and I, we're angels...
Mickey: I love you, Mal.
Mallory: I know you do baby, and I've loved you since the day we met.

Boy 1: Mickey and Mallory are the best thing to happen to mass murder since Manson.
Boy 2: Yeah! But... they're way cooler!

Reporter: Do you have anything to say to your fans?
Mickey: You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Mickey: We're not killing anybody on our wedding day.

Mickey: I realized my true calling in life.
Wayne Gale: What's that?
Mickey: Shit, man, I'm a natural born killer.

Scagnetti: I was born and spent the first part of my life in Texas.
Dwight McClusky: That's funny, you don't have the accent.
Scagnetti: I don't wanna talk like those assholes.
Dwight McClusky: My mother was from Texas!

Napalatoni: Mickey and Mallory Knox are loose, Scagnetti's dead, and they're live on national TV!
Dwight McClusky: LIVE ON NATIONAL TV? JESUS HAROLD CHRIST ON A FUCKING RUBBER CRUTCH, IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

Old Indian: Once upon a time, a woman was picking up firewood. She came upon a poisonous snake frozen in the snow. She took the snake home and nursed it back to health. One day the snake bit her on the cheek. As she lay dying, she asked the snake, "Why have you done this to me?" And the snake answered, "Look, bitch, you knew I was a snake."

Mickey: It's fate, you know. Nobody can stop fate, nobody can.

Mickey: Right now I'd go down on a lawman for a gallon of gas.

Mallory: You know what I think about? Sex.

Mickey: It's just murder. All God's creatures do it. You look in the forests and you see species killing other species, our species killing all species including the forests, and we just call it industry, not murder.

Dwight McClusky: Mickey & Mallory Knox are without a doubt the most twisted depraved pair of shitfucks it has ever been my displeasure to lay my god damn eyes on. I tell you these two motherfuckers are a walking reminder of just how fucked up this system really is.

Mickey: Uh, aloha? Chief? Yeah, uh... rattlesnake took a chunk outta us a few miles back... me and my wife are pretty sick - could be dyin,' you never can tell about these things, so... how's about you ungluein' your fat ass from that boob tube and gettin' us some snakebite juice. Pronto.

Jack Scagnetti: Now that is a perfect ass.

Pinky: Are you a real cop?
Jack Scagnetti: Oh yeah, I'm a real cop.
Pinky: You're not gonna hurt me are ya?
Jack Scagnetti: I never hurt anyone in my life. I'm the law. I'm your protector.

Mallory: I'm not really as bad as they say I am. I'm actually a really nice person.
Jack Scagnetti: Yeah I know. I did some pretty bad things myself. I killed someone.

Jack Scagnetti: Remember the last time you got fucked? What I want you to do is close your eyes, and remember the last time Mickey gave you the high hard one. You thinking about it? Good. Well you can forget it, 'cause it's never gonna happen again. Because when they get through with all the electroshock shit they got lined up for that cocksucker, ol' Mickey ain't gonna be worth a damn.

Mickey: Looks like we got us a Mexican Standoff.
Jack Scagnetti: We've had this day from the beginning, huh, Mickey? Now slide that shotgun over here. Put your hands on your head and your head against the floor!
Mickey: Or what, you'll wound me? I could blow you in half and you know it.
Jack Scagnetti: I never wounded anything in my life. I got you locked right between the eyes, Mickey. I've had you locked from the jump, you phony!

Mallory: You still like me now, Jack?