Ted the Bellhop: Problem? I haven't got a problem. I've got fucking problems. Plural.Well, most recently, there's room 309, there's this scary Mexican gangster dude poking his finger in my chest. There's his hooligan kids snapping their fingers at me. There's a putrid, rotting corpse of a dead whore stuck in the springs of the bed. There's rooms blazing afire. There's a big fat needle from God knows where, stuck in my leg, infecting me with God knows what. And finally there's me, walking out the door, right fucking now. Buenas noches.

Angela: I could go on and on about his cock, his bone, his knob, his bishop, wang, thang, rod, hot rod, hump mobile, oscar, dong, dagger, banana, cucumber, salami, sausage, kielbassa, schlong, dink, tool, big ben, Mr. Happy, Peter Pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener, pisser, pistol, piston joint, hose, horn, middle leg, third leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick, one-eyed wonder, junior, little head, little guy, rumple foreskin, tootsie roll, love muscle, skin flute, roto-rooter, snake, hammer, rammer, spammer, bazooka, rubber, chubby, sticky, stubby, schmeck, schmuck, schvantze, ying-yang, yang...

Sarah: Ted!
Ted the Bellhop: What do you want now, for Christ sakes? Who died?
Sarah: I don't know, but she's in my bed.
Ted the Bellhop: What?
Sarah: There's a dead body in my bed.
Ted the Bellhop: Nonsense! That's just your brother sound asleep.
Sarah: No! There's a woman's dead body *inside* the bed in the mattress.
Ted the Bellhop: You saw the body?
Sarah: Yes!
Ted the Bellhop: Impossible! You've got the ointment on your eyes. You can't see shit! Now go to sleep!
Go to sleep!
Sarah: I washed it off.
Ted the Bellhop: The mentholatum?
Sarah: Yeah. Didn't you ever think to do that? Get your ass up here and call the police, because there's a dead body in my bed, and it smells like shit, and it looks even worse. And if you don't help us, my dad is going to lay you down right next to her, I swear to fucking God!
Ted the Bellhop: I am coming up there right this minute! And if there isn't a dead body in that room by the time I get up there, I'm going to make one! You
Little bitch.

Ted the Bellhop: Well, then, if you say five hundred one last time, we have a deal.
Man: You fucking with me, pendejo?
Ted the Bellhop: No, sir, but I'm by myself, and looking after your kids is a pain in the ass I don't need.
Man: Are you calling my kids a pain in the ass?
Ted the Bellhop: Why, no, sir, not the kids. It's the situation that is a pain in the ass.

Chester: Now Ted, a person's life is filled with a zillion little experiences. Some which are insignificant, have no meaning, and, you know, you forget them. Others which you remember for the rest of your natural life. Now, since what we're proposing here is so unusual, so outside the norm, this is a good bet that is going to be one of those incidents that sticks. So, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this for the rest of your life, you have to decide what that memory will be. So, Ted, are you going to remember for the next 40 years, give or take a decade, that you *refused* a $1000 for one second's worth of work? Or that you *made* $1000 for one second's worth of work?

Ted the Bellhop: Police! It's an emergency! Police get someone over here right fucking now. There is a dead fuckin' whore!

Chester: This is Cristal! Everything else is just piss!
Ted, what do you think of that tasty beverage?
Ted the Bellhop: It's quite good sir.
Chester: No, no, no! It's *Fucking* good. Now let's do that again. Ted, what do you think of that tasty beverage?
Ted the Bellhop: It's *Fucking* good sir!

Chester: Thing is, Ted, first off, there's nothing homosexual about what we want you to do. I mean, I was thinking you might be thinking we want you to do some like, weird sex thing, like suck us off, pee on us, shit like that, you know. Nothing! Nothing could be further from the truth!

Ted the Bellhop: No, he didn't make me fuck his wife, he thought I'd fucked his wife! He held me at gunpoint with a loaded gun!
Margaret: What kinda gun was it?
Ted the Bellhop: I don't know, I'm not a gun guy. It was big.
Margaret: Was it like Dirty Harry's gun?
Ted the Bellhop: Yeah, sorta like that. Yeah.
Margaret: Did it have a real long barrel or a short barrel?
Ted the Bellhop: What difference does it make?
Margaret: Well, for one thing it's the difference between a .44 Magnum and a Magnum .357.
Ted the Bellhop: Who the fuck cares whether it was a .44 or a .392? It was a big fucking gun, it was loaded, and it was pointed right at my fucking head.

Man: Did they misbehave?

Kiva: You're not my mother.
Elspeth: Yes I am.
Kiva: Then why are we sleeping together?